Here's the report of the latest Pay Per View
Mon, 21 February 2005
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My expectations for this show are pretty low. Most of the matches seem to have just been thrown together at the last minute with little reason given.
The usual slick intro package opens the show. This one is all about the brutality of the barbed wire steel cage. It is very dramatic and pretty corny, but still well done and good at getting me into the right mood for the show. Then they mention that No Way Out is presented by Subway, which kind of takes the edge off. I mean how diabolically violent can anything presented by Subway really be?
Opening Match- Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero vs. the Basham Bros. for the Tag Team titles:
Have you noticed that the Bashams look a lot like Rick and Nick Bruiser from the SNES classic Super Punch Out? Even the names are similar- Basham Brothers/Bruiser Brothers. Maybe Rey is actually Little Mac in disguise!
The crowd was hugely into Eddie, constantly chanting for him early on. He really should have been in a match of his own rather than this curtain jerker. Rey got worked over for a while by the Bashams and the crowd lost all enthusiasm. After Eddie tagged in Michael Cole described some of his actions as “vintage Eddie”. Cole LOVES saying “vintage so and so” especially for Eddie and the Undertaker. I wonder how many more times he’ll use that expression during this show. Eddie ends up using one of the tag belts behind the ref’s back to get the win for him and Rey. We have new tag team champions! Winners and new WWE tag team champs Eddie and Rey. The match was below average for something involving Mysterio and Guerrero. It wasn’t awful, just nothing special and not really a Pay Per View quality bout in my opinion.
Next we see Theodore Long backstage talking about making Batista feel welcome when he arrives at the arena. Carlito Cool shows up with some woman who is supposed to be the wife of one of the members of the “board of directors”. Long is then informed by Carlito that he believes the board will fire Theodore if he fails to sign Batista to Smackdown. Not a very funny or interesting segment. Next.
Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marie are at the commentary table to host the first segment of the “Rookie Diva” contest. The chicks come out and walk around in evening gowns. Seriously, that’s all it was. I don’t know who any of them are as they have been given no personality whatsoever. They are nice to look at, but in gowns you don’t even get the perve factor. Totally boring waste of time and the crowd did not give a shit.
Next is a promotion for Wrestlemania 21 featuring Booker T and Eddie G doing the Pulp Fiction take off. These promos are really fun, great stuff!
Heidenreich vs. Booker T:
Heidenreich starts things off by reading one of his poems, which he calls a “disaster piece”. Just silly enough to make it slightly funny and extra points to Heidenreich for being able to read that stuff without laughing.
This would apparently be a “don’t laugh at me” match. I mean Booker saw Heidenreich laughing and so he wanted to fight him. Then Heidenreich mentioned in his poem that Booker should stop laughing at him. When a match is thrown together a couple of days before the PPV that’s the kind of shitty build up you can expect.
Another Michael Cole commentary favourite gets used during this one “this is the turning point of the match!” I’ll put money on hearing that again before the show is over. Heidenreich slams a chair into Booker’s throat and gets himself disqualified.
Winner by DQ: Booker T. The match was quite poor. Neither guy seemed to care. It was sloppy with a few missed moves and the only time the crowd reacted was for Booker’s “spinarooni”.
Backstage again we see Eddie and Rey celebrating their tag title victory. Then Cena and Eddie have a bit of a chat. Eddie revs Cena up and tells him not to tap out to Angle. Well I’m sure he won’t now that Eddie has told him not to.
6 man match for the Cruiserweight Title- Funaki vs. Spike Dudley vs. Paul London vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. Shannon Moore vs. Akio:
Paul London comes out wearing the worst outfit of all time. It is this furry vest and boots with huge tassels on them. Truly ridiculous! Shannon Moore came out in what might just be the second worst outfit of all time, some kind of “Legion of Doom meets Good Charlotte” ensemble.
The deal for this one is that each guy has drawn a number to decide the entry order. First in are the current champ Funaki and Paul London. Spike distracts Funaki and London pins him, so already there will be a new champ here. London then pins Spike about 30 seconds later. Shannon Moore is next in. A short time later London hits the 450 splash to pin him. Akio comes in. After a top rope neck breaker sees both guys on the mat, Akio fails to get to his feet before the ref’s 10 count which means he is out. This is one of the lamest eliminations possible; did we go back in time or something? The crowd can’t believe how crap that was and neither can I. Anyway, Chavo comes in as the final entrant. Chavo ends up rolling up London and holding onto the ropes to get the victory. Winner and new cruiserweight champion: Chavo Guerrero. This was incredibly rushed. The guys were given hardly any time to build a decent match. Eliminations came way too quickly and seemed totally forced. The crowd wanted to like it but never got the chance. Why they are given so little time when those bimbo divas are out there doing nothing of interest is something I’ll never understand. Very disappointing.
Speaking of the bimbo divas, round 2 of the rookie diva contest is next. They all still have clothes on. The blonde one (who is actually rather ugly) does a retarded dance to almost complete silence. The other blonde one (who is pretty hot) displays her pathetic acting skills and then gives Dawn Marie the world’s shittiest bodyslam. Look, I like hot women as much as the next guy, but these segments are pointless and boring. When the cruiserweights end up getting about 10 seconds of air time as a result of this shit, I find that incredibly insulting. I have access to porn, why do I need these women? Besides they still aren’t even showing any flesh!
Backstage JBL says some stuff. The same stuff he said on Smackdown.
Luther Reigns vs. the Undertaker: The ref sends Mark Jindrak back to the locker room. Cole busts out “vintage Undertaker” early in the match. Tazz follows soon after with “turning point of the match”. The crowd breaks out an Undertaker chant, but it is a very half arsed one as their enthusiasm is obviously very low. Luther gets ‘Taker in a half boston crab then turns him over and just holds onto his leg. One of the crappiest excuses for a wrestling hold I've ever seen.That’s supposed to be painful! Honest to God, Reins just stood their holding the leg and that was it. This is a very slow and dull match. This is even sloppier and has more missed moves than the Booker/Heidenreich one. Cole busts out “vintage Undertaker” for the second time in the one match. Reigns gets a couple of close 2 counts on the ‘Taker but the crowd doesn’t react because NOBODY believes for a second that Reigns is going to win this thing. Just as I say that, the Undertaker hits the Tombstone Piledriver and gets the 3 count. Winner: The Undertaker. Yet another crappy match on this show. There was no reason for this to even happen, everyone new that the Undertaker would win here. The whole deal was supposed to be that Luther was not intimidated by the ‘Taker and all that. But they just did the exact same thing with Heidenreich! On the up side, the crowd still pops for the Undertaker’s entrance every time. So at least that part is still amusing.
Wrestlemania promo. This time they show the “Basic Instict” one, which is even better than the Pulp Fiction one.
The third and (thankfully) final part of the diva contest is next. Dawn Marie doesn’t come out this time, supposedly due to her anger at being bodyslammed. I suspect it is more that she is embarrassed to be seen with these moronic skanks. At least this time they are in swim suits so we get a bit of a perve. Even now the crowd is not reacting that much! One of the girls shows how truly talented she is by nearly falling on her arse while walking around the ring! That’s right, she had trouble just walking. Anyway, Joy wins the contest because that’s what the internet people voted apparently. Hooray for her and I’m sure her dad is very proud. I will say this much, I reckon she’s the best looking one too, whatever that is worth.
#1 Contenders tournament final- Kurt Angle vs. John Cena:
I’m praying that this match is a good one to help save this PPV. The crowd wakes up a little for this one. Angle dominates the opening portion of the bout using mainly basic mat holds. Big “Angle sucks!” chant for Kurt in his home town! Cole talks about “pound and ground” in relation to Cena like he does in every Cena match. By the way Cole, it is “ground and pound” you idiot. Nice German Suplex into the turnbuckles from Angle. That’s got to hurt. 3 more stiff Germans from Angle not long after. Cena keeps fighting back. They seem to be going for a real grappler vs. brawler thing and it is working pretty well. Angle rakes Cena’s eyes and Cole calls that “vintage Kurt Angle”. A freaking eye rake! One of the most generic of heel moves is now “vintage Angle” according to Michael. A short while later Angle hits a belly to belly suplex and once again Cole calls it “vintage Angle”. Then we get “turning point of the match” after Cena hits a DDT. Angle refuses to follow that turning point however, instead countering out of the F-U and locking on the anklelock. Cena escapes. A top rope leg drop gets 2 for Cena. F-U from Cena! 2 count only. Angle kicks Cena in the knee and slows him down. From there on Kurt works Cena’s “injured” leg mercilessly. Angle hits the Angleslam. He then puts on the anklelock again. Cena makes the ropes, but Kurt pulls him back (I hate that, if you make the ropes the hold should be broken) then locks it in even more with the scissors in the middle of the ring. Cena reaches the ropes again. Angle refuses to let go of the hold while Cena has the ropes. The ref got decked…I think Angle did it, I missed that bit. Anyway, Angle then goes and gets Cena’s chain. But John gets Angle up (with one leg supposed to be all messed up!) and hits the F-U for a second time. The ref manages to slowly count, 1...2…3! Winner: John Cena. That finish was a bit strange. This was easily the match of the night, but that’s not saying much. It wasn’t great, but it had its moments and was pretty enjoyable.
WWE Championship, Barbed-Wire Cage- John Bradshaw Layfield vs. the Big Show:
The cage door is locked shut, so none of that pussy going through the door to win stuff. For victory you need to touch the floor with both feet or get a pin or a submission. Big Show takes control to begin. He tries to ram JBL into the cage several times but Bradshaw keeps blocking it (which Michael Cole calls “a counter”). JBL keeps going up top and looking for a gap in the barbed wire. Show slams him off and Bradshaw’s arm is bleeding early on. Show hits some of his customary open hand smack on JBL’s chest and I have to say they sound brutal. Ouch! The commentators tell us that Big Show is being methodical. Well no shit! He’s 7 feet tall and 500 pounds, I wasn’t expecting Speedy Gonzales. Bradshaw rams the giant’s noggin into the cage, cutting him open. JBL then uses the tag rope to choke out Big Show. Show makes a comeback, picking Bradshaw up for a powerbomb and smashing his face into the cage on the way up. JBL’s head is bleeding now also. Michael Cole tells us that the steel cage “takes on a life of its own, becomes a carnivore and eats flesh” or something like that. So we better look out for this living, meat eating cage I suppose. Orlando Jordan and the Bashams come out, but Theodore Long makes them go away. But not before they managed to cut some of the cage and slide some bolt cutters in to JBL. Bradshaw smacks Big Show with the cutters and delivers the clothesline from hell. Only gets a 2! Show makes a comeback by hitting the chokeslam. Only 2 for Big Show! The two men end up fighting on the top rope. Big Show delivers a chokeslam from the top rope and JBL goes THROUGH the ring. A small “holy shit” chant from the crowd for that. Big Show then rips the chain off the door, walks out and wins! No, wait! JBL had already crawled out from under the ring, thus escaping the cage and picking up a victory! Winner and still WWE champion: John Bradshaw Layfield. This was an okay brawl. I don't think it sucked, but it was very slow and just never that exciting.
After the match JBL’s “cabinet” runs out to beat the crap out of the Big Show. Then Batista shows up and kicks all of their arses. JBL tries to escape to the back, only to be met by John Cena who beats him down and throws him through the stage area. Cena and Batista then have a bit of a stare down to close the show.
Then they have another Wrestlemania promo. The one with Eugene as Forrest Gump. These are all excellent!
Overall I thought this was a very poor Pay Per View. I don’t think I was in a bad mood or anything, it just failed to deliver anything worth paying for. I expected a fairly bland show, but it was even less impressive than I thought it would be. When the ads are by far the most amusing part of the show you know you've got a dud on your hands.
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For a regular episode of Smackdown this would have been fine, but $30 worth it certainly was not.