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Here's The Gimmick's merciless report!
Fri, 14 October 2005
by: The Gimmick
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HOUSTON, TEXAS
Like a prodigal son, The Gimmick has returned and this time he's not alone! Well that's not quite true, I do have those pesky voices in my head but they don't really count. Anyway, this months PPV is a Smackdown event called No Mercy & I was actually looking forward to it despite a lot of negative feedback I heard from various sources both before and after the show.
SIX PERSON TAG TEAM MATCH
MNM Vs THE LEGION OF DOOM & CHRISTY HEMME
I haven't seen a six man tag opening a PPV in quite some time, even though this was a six person tag match, I guess it still works. There must have been something wrong with Heidenreich before this match cos he made the older member of his team do the bulk of the work. Just like the younger generation to exploit their elders. And let's hope it stays that way. What?! I'm not looking for the older vote, get off my back! LOD got an early advantage but MNM took control and kept it by taking out Animals shoulder and staying on it for the majority of the match, until Melina tagged herself in. She leapt off the top rope but got caught by Animal who then tagged in Christy and they immediately hit her with the old Hart Foundation "Heart Attack" clothesline. Christy then hit a rusty looking Huricanrana which led to a Doomsday Device on Melina. Christy covered her for the 3 count and that was that.
WINNERS: THE LEGION OF DOOM & CHRISTY HEMME
SIMON DEAN Vs BOBBY LASHLEY
Simon Dean hit the ring riding his Dean Machine followed by some waiter carrying a big platter of cheese burgers. MMMMMM Cheese Burgers! He ripped on the Texas crowd and stated if he couldn't beat Lashley, he would eat the entire platter of burgers. Something tells me that the majority of the crowd would've risked battling Lashley just so they could get their hands on those burgers. Lashley hit the ring and man is this guy huge. He reminds me of Brock Lesnar and also WWE Legend Tony Atlas, but a hell of a lot quicker. Lashley made quick work of Simon Dean after using his version of The Dominator. Even when Dean used the platter to hit Lashley over the head it had no effect. 1, 2, 3 Dean goes down.
WINNER: BOBBY LASHLEY
Backstage Jillian Hall introduced JBL who bagged the RAW guys and then bagged Rey Mysterio who appeared and taunted JBL in his native tongue. JBL told him to speak English which Rey did and said he had a present for him. It was a mask so when he gets beat by the underdog he can hide his face. JBL refused so Rey gave it to Jillian. I agree! Even if she got that thing lanced, she would still look like a dude. I can't stand her/him.
FATAL FOUR WAY UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
BOOKER T Vs CHRISTIAN Vs ORLANDO JORDAN Vs CHRIS BENOIT
 | | Christian, "And THAT is for your annoying wife!" |
Speaking of ugly broads, here comes Sharmell to introduce Booker T. Fair dinkum if I wanna see an over dolled up ugly woman, I'll watch Richard Wilkins. Best sign from the crowd can be seen while she's in the ring "Get back in the kitchen, Sharmell!" I agree, but it doesn't matter where she is, as long as I can't see her. Sammy's note: If there are any females reading this, please direct your angry emails to Gimmick and not to me! Mind you, I can't stand Sharmell either.
Back to the match, and it was pretty good, but to describe it all would be too boring. So, let's agree to say everyone had some offence at one time or another but nobody had won yet, as we skip to the finish. (Don't tell Doc about that or I'll be delegated to reviewing Ben Lee albums and reviewing Australian Idol contestants and how they would fair in other boring reality shows). Sammy's note: Don't worry dude, he'd never notice something like that.
Christian had just broken up a Booker on Jordan cover when Benoit shoved Christian into Booker causing him to go to the outside which led Benoit to hit Christian with a German Suplex until Jordan broke that up. Benoit sent OJ outside with Booker, and it's Christian & Benoit in the ring. Benoit continued the attack with a number of German Suplexes and then headed up top for his Kamikaze Headbutt. He missed but he was able to lock in the Cross Face on Captain Charisma until OJ broke it up again. Booker is back in as well but just as soon as he enters, he's out again and he takes OJ with him. Christian went for the Un-Prettier ob Benoit but he rolled through it, grabbed the leg and hooked on The Sharp Shooter and Christian had no option but to tap.
WINNER: AND STILL UNITED STATES CHAMPION – CHRIS BENOIT
After the match Sharmell began yelling at Booker about how Benoit was not his friend and that he needed to listen to her. A question just popped into my head. Why would a guy cheat on his wife when he has that nagging and bitching to come home to? I guess we'll never know! Backstage Bobby Lashley is making sure Simon Dean makes good on his deal by eating 20 double cheese burgers. Even the ones Simon sat in while they were in the ring. You gotta love it!
KEN KENNEDY Vs HARDCORE HOLLY
It's Mr. Kennedy my newest favorite guy on Smackdown against, probably the hardest hitter in WWE, Hardcore Holly. I was looking forward to this probably more than any other match. I just think Kennedy has "It" and who doesn't like Holly? This was a real hard hitter with Holly doing what he does best, beating up rookies and he beat the living hell out of Mr. Kennedy. But Kennedy showed his own throughout the match working over Holly's shoulder and when he locked in an Inside Key Lock it didn't look good. Holly came right back and hit a Full Nelson Slam and then his trademark "kick in the guts" then went up. But Kennedy caught him and hit his trademark Lambeau Leap for the win.
WINNER: MR. KENNEDY…………………..KENNEDY!
After the match, Kennedy proclaimed Holly the loser and left Holly nursing his battered ribs. Sylvan then made his way down the ring and attacked the "Alabama Slammer" and hit his Hanging Brainbuster. Backstage we see Lashley pushing Simon Dean to eat those cheese burgers. I hope for his sake the Simon System works. In another part of the backstage area we see Booker being berated by his *ahem* lovely wife Sharmell until MR. KENNEDY makes an appearance and states himself a winner and Booker T a loser. Sharmell then says Ken Kennedy isn't his problem and neither is Benoit. It's Himself. Maybe Sharmell should listen to some Tammy Wynett's "Stand By Your Man". Couldn't hurt!
JBL W/JILLIAN HALL Vs REY MYSTERIO
JBL had everything to lose and nothing to gain in this one, but I guess he had to prove a point. The first part of this was funny, listening to Tazz taking the piss out of Jillian Hall. Rey surprisingly took an early control on this one making JBL chase him around and then working over his huge leg, even hitting a vicious looking Bulldog from the apron to the outside. But the "Wrestling God" came back hard with power moves and Rey had little offence. Until late when he escaped from a Bearhug and hit a Tornado DDT then escaped from a Powerbomb and hit a Bronco Buster. He then hit a Moonsault and ducked under JBL's Clothesline From Hell and hit the 619. Rey went for the Westcoast Pop but JBL ducked under and hit the Clothesline From Hell out of nowhere for the 1, 2, 3.
WINNER: JBL
HANDICAP CASKET MATCH
RANDY ORTON & "COWBOY" BOB ORTON Vs THE UNDERTAKER
This was match of the night with both Ortons double teaming on Taker as much as possible. Undertaker doesn't have the best record in Casket Matches when it comes to the really big matches. He's beaten guys like Kamala, King Mabel (Viscera) and Yokozuna (when he wasn't the champ) but he dropped the big ones to Yokozuna (when it counted) and to Shawn Michaels, and when he does lose he goes out with a bang. The majority of the match was, as I said earlier, The Ortons double teaming and Undertaker trying to avoid it.
Towards the end Taker nailed Randy with the chair sending him into the casket and then locked in a Triangle Choke on Bob which caused him to also enter the casket. Taker tried to close it and end it, but Randy blocked and escaped. Taker closed the lid on Bob as he and Randy battled it out in the ring. Orton hit some nice moves but got cocky, and Taker hit The Last Ride and signaled to end it. As he opened the casket, Bob sprung out with a fire extinguisher, which he had in there with him earlier, and blinded the Undertaker. Randy hit the RKO and Bob went to end it but Taker stopped him with an attempted Chokeslam. Randy made the save with the fire extinguisher and The Undertaker fell into the casket. He tried to stop it but both Ortons worked together and when Randy hit The Dead Man with a chair it was over. He slumped back into the casket and they closed the lid.
WINNERS: RANDY ORTON & "COWBOY" BOB ORTON
 | | 'Taker makes his way past the smoking section. |
After the match they locked the casket and wheeled it up to the entrance where Randy hacked at it with an axe then poured fuel all over it. Then set it alight and watched it burn. Don't these guys watch old tapes? Every time that happens, Taker comes back more pissed off than he was previously. He is one guy I wouldn't want mad at me.
CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
JUVENTUD W/MEXICOOLS Vs NUNZIO W/VITO
This match was decided a week earlier when Juvi won a Battle Royal for the number 1 contenders spot on Velocity seen here in Australia. Velocity rules! Anyway The Mexicools came to the ring on their standard ride on lawn mowers and with the PPV being in Texas and most Texans being like the guys from King of the Hill, you could almost smell the envy in the air, "Boy I'll Tell You What!" This was a pretty good match but I'm a huge mark for Nunzio so take what you like out of that. It was a pretty even match right through but when Nunzio missed a Sicilian Slice the end was near, even with Vito helping out when he could. Juvi eventually hit a Northern Lights Suplex and rolled through it into his patented Juvi Driver for the 3 count. It was sweet!
WINNER: AND NEW CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION – JUVENTUD
After the match The Mexicools celebrated with the Hugo at ringside speaking in their native tongue. I don't know what they were saying cos my Russian is terrible. Backstage Simon Dean is finishing his last burger and he looks messed up. Bobby Lashley told him the officials found a last burger and that he has to eat it. Dean can't do it and rushes to the toilet and throws it all up. There is a lesson for all the kiddies out there, don't be a pig and eat 20 cheese burgers. Play it safe and only go for 19. Save the throwing up for when you're older.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
EDDIE GUERRERO Vs BATISTA
This was a pretty good match and surprisingly Batista is growing on me. Not like the champion on the other show! Anyway, Eddie had a lot of control in the match but he made mistakes early by trying to match strength with the champ. Even Jessica Simpson could tell him that wasn't a smart move. But when he used his head, he made the champ look less than impressive by out wrestling him. I think Benoit may have his number if they ever have an encounter for the title cos he's got the wrestling ability plus he has a bit more strength than Eddie. Plus Eddies undoing was that he was trying to prove he is a changed man but lets face it, a leopard never changes it spots and Eddie's biggest wins were from his Lying, Cheating & Stealing days. But to his credit he stuck to his guns, and believe me he had a number of chances to cheat, but it wasn't enough and when Eddie missed a Frog Splash and Batista hit a big time Spine Buster, it was all over.
WINNER: AND STILL HEAVEYWEIGHT CHAMPION – BATISTA
I am getting more impressed with Batista each time I see him and that is a hard pill for me to swallow, believe me. For me the biggest winners on the night were Bobby Lashley and Mr. Kennedy. They both got their first wins on a PPV out of the way and they are both impressive to look at in different ways. The biggest losers on the night were MNM and Randy Orton. If it wasn't for the lackluster Tag Team division now, their losses to LOD over the last few months would have dropped them down in the rankings and had it been 15 years ago they would be battling the Bushwhackers in curtain jerker matches. But because of that, we'll see them battling for the titles again. Watch out for Regal & Burchill to take the straps from LOD, that's my tip. As for Orton, Undertaker always comes back meaner than ever after stuff like that. You may have won the battle but you won't win the war.
And remember; never trust a midget or anyone with 2 first names.
by: The Gimmick
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