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The Gimmick is the undisputed champion of wrestling reports
Thu, 2 February 2006
by: The Gimmick
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THE AMERICAN AIRLINES ARENA: MIAMI, FLORIDA
The Gimmick is back with this years Royal Rumble report! I wanna quickly say hello to Lord Zod, who hasn't been seen here for a while, but is still watching us. Just like I am with my next door neighbours on a Thursday night, they really should close there shades when they do that!
WWE CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP:
OPEN INVITATIONAL SIX WAY TEXAS TORNADO MATCH
FUNAKI Vs JAMIE NOBLE Vs NUNZIO Vs PAUL LONDON Vs GREGORY HELMS Vs KID KASH
With the five Smackdown guys in the ring there was confusion as to who was going to be the last man and it turned out to be Raw superstar Gregory Helms. Well that shouldn't be too much of a surprise, I mean where was he gonna go after being humiliated last PPV by Jerry Lawler? He couldn't stay where he was after that loss, and TNA is too much of an extreme drop. After all, he was beaten by Lawler, not Mario Mancini. Anyway, the crowd was hot for this one and that made for a pretty good opener with all six guys bumping hard and executing a lot of high flying moves. The highlight had to be Paul London's top rope Shooting Star Press to the outside onto the waiting pack. Unbelievable! The end came when Funaki went for a Tornado DDT on Noble, but he countered it and locked on a Dragon Sleeper. Helms came in, broke it up and hit the Shining Wizard on Funaki for the 3 count.
WINNER: AND NEW WWE CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION - GREGORY HELMS
Kid Kash lost the strap without being pinned which has gotta suck! Backstage we see Vince McMahon with Torrie, Victoria and Candice and they are with the old school tumbler and the entry numbers for the Royal Rumble. Randy Orton came in and was happy with his pick, when The Game walked in. Trips asked Torrie to open her box for him and asked Candice to hold his ball. When he saw his number, he wasn't too happy. Trish Stratus was then shown with Mickie James and right before she went out to referee the next match, Mickie told Trish she loves her.
MICKIE JAMES Vs ASHLEY
SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE: TRISH STRATUS
What else can I say but, Ashley is not a wrestler and Mickie did her best to make it look half decent. I may sound harsh but it's this sort of thing that's turned woman's wrestling from something to watch, into nothing more than a toilet break. I don't care what anyone says, she shouldn't be wrestling in WWE. Nuff said! As for Mickie, she is playing this character really well and has me intrigued as to what will unfurl in the coming weeks leading to WM. Mickie got the win at about the 10 minute mark after snapping Ashley's head back down really hard as Trish reluctantly counted 3.
WINNER: MICKIE JAMES
Mickie was celebrating in the ring after the match and kept trying to hug Trish, but after the bomb Mickie dropped on Trish before the match, she wasn't too keen on touching her and I think we got a clear idea of which way Trish swings if you know what I mean. Backstage again and Vince is with the Divas as Big show picked his number and looked pleased. Rey Mysterio entered next and picked his number but wasn't as happy and said Eddie got him again.
 | | Are you my mother? |
JBL W/JILLIAN HALL Vs THE BOOGEYMAN
I'm going out on a limb here by stating, The Boogeyman will not last because he can't wrestle! I'm all up for a gimmick like this but the guy has to be able to wrestle for it to work, like Doink The Clown. Matt Bourne could wrestle, this joker cannot. Which is why I was so disgusted to see this happen to a champion like JBL. What do I mean? This was basically a squash. I mean JBL got some offence in the match, but it was to no avail. I guess The Boogeyman doesn't feel pain. How do you kill a Boogeyman anyway? I mean a crucifix kills a Vampire, fire kills a Frankenstein, a silver bullet kills a Werewolf, so what about a Boogeyman? I guess the only thing that can kill a Boogeyman is Vince McMahon! Anyway when JBL missed a charge into the corner, The Boogeyman hit the Pump Handle Slam for the win and it's over just like that.
WINNER: THE BOOGEYMAN
More backstage shenanigans with Vince and the Divas, as Shelton Benjamin and his Mamma come in for his entry number, he looked happy. Melina, Mercury and Nitro come in for their numbers. They look indifferent, perhaps because they can't read. Who knows, but it's time for the Royal Rumble.
ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH
I'll go through a few high lights of the match and list the entries and eliminations at the end.
1. The spirit squad dancing up a storm before the match. It went down like a turd in a punch bowl.
2. Rey Mysterio entering in a Low Rider in tribute to Eddie Guerrero. Nice touch!
3. Simon Dean. I love this guy!
4. Bobby Lashley standing eye to navel with The Big Show, throwing The Big Show over his head, hitting the Dominator on Kane and eliminating Sylvan.
5. The return of Tatanka, Goldust and Rob Van Dam
6. Shane McMahon eliminating Shawn Michaels. We may see a match between these two at Wrestlemania which could be very interesting.
7. Carlito and The Masterpiece. I knew they could generate genuine interest.
With Triple H eliminated after drawing number 1 it was down to two men, the man who drew number 2: Rey Mysterio and the man who drew number 30: Randy Orton. Triple H was so pissed after being eliminated that he attacked Rey outside the ring, threw him into the ringside steps, then back in the ring. Orton went to send Rey over the top rope but Rey blocked it, hooked on a Head Scissors and eliminated Randy Orton to win the Royal Rumble.
WINNER: REY MYSTERIO
Rey had dedicated this match to Eddie Guerrero earlier and is now on his way to Wrestlemania first class. Backstage Rey is with Benoit, Malenko and Chavo when Edge interrupted and bad mouthed him.
 | | "Anyone seen my wallet?" |
ORDER OF ENTRY:
1- Triple H
2- Rey Mysterio
3- Simon Dean
4- Psicosis
5- Ric Flair
6- Big Show
7- Jonathan Coachman
8- Bobby Lashley
9- Kane
10- Sylvan
11- Carlito
12- Chris Benoit
13- Booker T
14- Joey Mercury
15- Tatanka
16- Johnny Nitro
17- Trevor Murdoch
18- Eugene
19- Road Warrior Animal
20- Rob Van Dam
21- Orlando Jordan
22- Chavo Guerrero
23- Matt Hardy
24- Super Crazy
25- Shawn Michaels
26- Chris Masters
27- Viscera
28- Shelton Benjamin
29- Goldust
30- Randy Orton
ORDER OF ELIMINATION:
1- Dean (by Triple H & Mysterio)
2- Psicosis (by Mysterio)
3- Flair (by Triple H)
4- Coach (by Big Show)
5- Sylvan (by Lashley)
6- Lashley (by Big Show & Kane)
7 & 8- Big Show and Kane simultaneously (by Triple H)
9- Booker T (by Benoit)
10- Road Warrior Animal (by RVD)
11- Guerrero (by Triple H)
12- Tatanka (by MNM)
13- Murdoch (by Michaels)
14- Hardy (by Viscera)
15- Eugene (by Benoit)
16- Super Crazy (by Mysterio)
17- Benoit (by Orton)
18- Viscera (by Carlito & Masters)
19- Masters (by Carlito)
20- Goldust (by RVD)
21- Jordan (by Orton)
22- Mercury (by Nitro via Michaels)
23- Nitro (by Michaels)
24- Benjamin (by Michaels)
25- Michaels (by Shane McMahon)
26- Carlito (by RVD)
27- RVD (by Mysterio via Triple H)
28- Triple H (by Mysterio)
29- Orton (by Mysterio)
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
JOHN CENA Vs EDGE W/LITA
A big runway came down from the ceiling with smoke and fireworks going off and John Cena riding it down to the ring. Joey Styles said it was the greatest entrance ever, I don't know about that one Joseph. This was a pretty good match, but that could've had something to do with the left over buzz from the Rumble match. Anyway, it didn't take long for it to head outside where Edge hit a nice Spear on Cena into the steps and he barley made it back in for the 10 count. Edge continued to work over Cena's ribs with a Bear Hug and sent him back out and into the steps again. Back in and Cena tried to fight back, but Edge had the answers and when Cena missed a top rope Legdrop he scarcely avoided defeat. Edge sent Cena into the corner and went for the Spear but Cena countered it with a DDT. Cena hit the Five Knuckle Shuffle and had Edge beat but Lita was up on the apron distracting the ref. Cena went over to her and Edge charged, but hit Lita instead. Cena picked up Edge, hit the FU then locked in the STFU for the win.
WINNER: AND NEW WWE CHAMPION - JOHN CENA
This guy is getting more and more like The Rock every time I see him. He is an annoying champion and his submission moves suck. His is the worst STF I have ever seen and I've seen the special Olympics wrestling team. Backstage Todd Grisham tries to get an interview with Edge but is brushed off big time. As Lita is tried to talk, in came Hacksaw Jim Duggan and said he has one thing to say to her, "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Josh Matthews had Kurt Angle ready for an interview and Kurt basically said he's walking out champion. Which is a good thing, cos if he had said he was gonna lose he could've got a game with Collingwood, just on attitude alone.
 | | Power EXTREME!! (I think I've used that one before, oh well) |
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
MARK HENRY W/DAIVARI Vs KURT ANGLE
I've gotta say that Mark Henry is one of the most impressive guys to look at I have ever seen. That is until the bell rings. His in ring work is uglier than a Macy Gray look-a-like contest. But Kurt did it, he made chicken salad out of chicken shit. Kurt couldn't get any control early on because of Henry's immense strength. I cannot get over how strong this guy is. He makes He-Man look like Orko! Where was I? Oh yeah, the tide turned for Angle when the ref got knocked down and he went for a chair. Daivari got in his way, but was met with a chair to the head. He hit a low blow on Henry, then two huge chair shots on the big man but only got a 2 count. Kurt took the padding of the second turnbuckle and drop toe holed Henry into the exposed steel and rolled him up in the ropes for the win.
WINNER: AND STILL WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION - KURT ANGLE
As soon as the match was over the music of The Undertaker hit and he rode down the aisle on a chariot. Taker signaled to Angle that he wants the belt and set off a ton of pyros above the ring. Then lightning hit all four ringposts and the ring collapsed with Angle standing in it. Awesome stuff! The show went off the air with Kurt looking deathly afraid.
by: The Gimmick
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