"The wrestling B Team" DBL & Sammy share their thoughts
Thu, 9 February 2006
by: Darth Bin Laden
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Sammy's intro: Hey you lovely people, I'm sorry this took so long to get posted. DBL got his side of it done and sent to me some time ago, but I've been temporarily out of commission yet again (same old story). But I'm hulking up once more and ready to go back in for the kill. We already had the Royal Rumble PPV Report from our wrestling section lead, the Gimmick, his usual unique and supremely amusing effort. I'm sure you all read and enjoyed that one.
We recently decided that, particularly for some of the bigger yearly wrestling events - such as the Rumble, SummerSlam and Wrestlemania - there is enough interest from both us and our readers (that is, those of them who are into wrestling, obviously) to warrant some extra coverage here at Buttonhole. So DBL got his thoughts down using the old "good, bad & ugly" format, which I reckon usually works really well (besides, I love that movie!). I've just added some of my own comments, with what's become my usual thing of putting them in italics so you'll easily be able to know who is saying what. Okay then, my fellow wrasslin' geeks, let's get it on and I hope you enjoy the (belated) bonus Royal Rumble '06 report!
CURTAIN JERKER: Open Invitational Texas Tornado Cruiserweight title match.
A solid opening contest, which should be expected from the E's most underutilised talent. Any match with Paul London is guaranteed to have at least one sick bump. I wish he could have been around for ECW.
I agree, it was a decent way to open the show. The high flying antics are always a good way to get the crowd started. It really is a shame the cruisers don't get more time. I guess we'll just have to take whatever they'll give us and be happy that at least they got on the show, even in such a limited fashion.
THE GOOD: It goes without saying that Paul London had spot of the night. His bump at last year's Rumble is unlikely to be topped anytime soon but the shooting star press to the outside was simply awesome.
Indeed, London is always a sure thing to deliver a spectacular manoeuvre or two.
THE BAD: Gregory Helms' Shining Wizard. With Funaki's positioning and probably a lack of enthusiasm for Helms (If you lost to Lawler you'd be unmotivated too) the move's execution didn't come off quite right. It hampered the finish.
I liked having Helms as the "surprise entrant" winning the title, but the build up was pretty horrible. He just came off being made to look very second rate in that loss to Lawler, which seemed to be almost insulting to the cruiserweight division. He's good enough to beat these guys, but he can't compete with the ancient Jerry? That just seems dumb to me.
THE UGLY: Too Short. A lot of the guys are technically sound and excellent flyers, yet again seemed improperly used in this match-up, and I believe it was largely to do with time constraints. Then again, Vince wouldn't want time taken away from himself would he?
I agree 100% that this match was not given nearly enough time. These guys have the ability to do stuff that the bigger dudes can't and provide something cool and different to the show, so it sucks that they are rarely allowed the chance to show it off properly. There was no way for them to build a good match or get their flow going when they're forced to cram it into such a short space of time. A good wrestling show should have something for everyone. There'll always be viewers who enjoy watching the wild moves and crazy flipping around from the cruiserweight wresters (I often hear from people who fondly remember the luchadore matches from the WCW Nitro days for example). The WWE has the talent ready and able to do it, so I will never understand why they don't take advantage of it.
Backstage antics. Price of Pay-per-view? $30. Anti-vomit pills for Vince's Devils? $12. HHH's reaction when he picked his number? Bloody priceless.
Trips did an excellent job with his facial expressions here.
_screen1.jpg) | | Who wouldn't love Trish? |
TOILET BREAK MATCH: Ashley vs Mickie James.
And I use the word "match" sparingly. I doubt anybody, not even Johnny Ace, would've bought an Ashley victory here.
Yikes! This was a debacle. A total car crash. I enjoyed watching it, purely because it was so damn terrible that it made me laugh. But, I doubt very strongly that's the kind of reaction they were hoping for!
THE GOOD: Trish and Ashley looked extremely hot. Damn that lucky bastard Matt Hardy. Then again, I wouldn't really want to be him anyway.
Trish's body... fantastic! It is probably a good thing the referees don't usually look like that, as it'd be difficult to concentrate on the matches if they did. Here though, they needed all the distractions they could get. Why do they keep putting people like Ashley in the ring on PPV before they are ready to wrestle? Always a bad idea.
THE BAD: If Mickie James went crazy bitch on Trish then I would have cared. But declaring her undying love? If I want lesbians I'll find what I want on the net for free, or for a lot less than $30.
It is pretty stupid (though really no more so than most wrestling storylines), but I actually don't mind this angle so far. Trish and Mickie have done about as good a job with the roles as could be expected and there's something about it that amuses me, in a goofy kind of way.
THE UGLY: THIS GOT 10 MINUTES? I WASTED 10 MINUTES OF MY LIFE ON THIS??? Should've taken 3, with an Ashley victory by DQ. It would have been far more interesting. And the cruisers could've gotten another 7 minutes.
Even worse than I thought it would be, nothing seemed to go right. It dragged horribly too and the crowd started to turn on it in a big way. As I was saying earlier, a good wrestling show should have a little bit of everything for all types of fans, including the blokes who just want to have a bit of a perve. However, in retrospect, this would've been better either being very brief or left off the card to allow more time for the cruisers.
Backstage again. Big Show and Rey pick their numbers. So far Rey has dedicated his win to Eddie, and had a heart-to-heart with Eddie after picking the number. If at some point some guy dressed as an angel in an Eddie mask is lowered from the roof during the rumble, and starts throwing guys out, but everyone except Rey is oblivious to him, I wouldn't be surprised. I'd also stick my head underground for the next 10 years.
Yeah, they're laying the exploitation of Eddie's passing on to a rather sickening level. I'm all for remembering the guy, but this is just too much. Unfortunately, subtlety and restraint have rarely been prevalent qualities in the world of pro wrestling.
"WORMS? THAT MEANS LUNCHTIME!" SQUASH: Boogeyman vs JBL.
I didn't see this until the replay. During this match I went and got some lunch. Boogey eating worms always seems to make me peckish. I'm actually feeling a little hungry right now.
So, what was I saying about subtlety? I have confessed before though that I do find the Boogeyman's act pretty funny. It is just so outrageous and over the top that it manages to crack me up much of the time. I can see myself getting sick of him before too long though, there's only really so much of this stuff anyone can see before it gets old. Besides, as the Gimmick rightfully said in his report, the guy can't actually wrestle. Being that he's already in his 40s it seems like a pretty bad time to start trying to learn. Not having the ability to work a real full match makes it very hard to provide a satisfying pay off to anything he does. So, I can't see a whole lot of longevity for the dude.
THE GOOD: The hilarity that would be a Boogeyman/Jillian Hall live sex celebration. If that is the pay-off to this feud, then dammit, it was all the time it took away from the cruisers.
He's such a goofy bastard and people do seem to find his shtick amusing. In one way or another, his ridiculous antics have gotten people talking. But, how long can that really last?
THE BAD: A squash on a major PPV? With a guy that can't wrestle going over a former WWE Champion? The reason for this match being that a poor cancerous growth losing its home? I can't decide. Lets just say Michael Cole, because I think we can all agree that Michael Cole is the lowpoint of any match-up.
A short squash match is really all the Boogeyman is capable of, so that was to be expected. However, it was an exceptionally silly set up and JBL was not the right guy to have to go down like that, after all the work that was put into building him as a main event guy. I have never cared much for JBL myself, but you can't deny the effort he put in as champ and he deserves much better than this.
THE UGLY: Have you seen this match? If you have, then you realise that nothing I can say here will even come close to the ugliness of this match. If you haven't seen it, and watch the DVD, for the love of all things human skip it!
It was a total dud. But I'll admit I did still laugh a couple of times at the absurdity of it all. Again though, JBL wasn't the right guy to bury like that. They could've brought out Hardcore Holly or Scotty 2 Hotty to be the Boogeyman's victim.
Shelton will one day break the Momma's boy gimmick, but as far as I'm concerned he's still being punished for whichever road agent he disrespected. However, what's with Vince turning Shelton's Mamma down? I was under the impression he went after anything that moved. And what's with everyone going after Michaels? Don't you know he's got Jesus on his side?
I just don't get this Shelton's Momma stuff. The movie they're ripping off is shithouse to begin with. The character is nearly as stupid as the Boogeyman yet, personally, I don't find her the least bit funny. I also can't see how it is supposed to work in Shelton's favour. Remember when he was pinning Triple H and getting huge crowd reactions? What was wrong with him just being a good wrestler? But I guess if it gets him back in the spotlight, I'll just have to put up with it, because I really enjoy watching him wrestle.
_screen2.jpg) | | "Hey, Sting is up there!" |
SHOULD BE IN THE MAIN EVENT, after all it bloody determines one: Royal Rumble Match-Up.
Do you want all the eliminations and entries? Then look somewhere else.
THE GOOD: Michaels eliminating the guys that promised to take him out. I told you to factor in his main man. RVD's comeback was awesome, if he was a tad rough around the edges. The guy's been out for a year now, give him a break. Also, Chris Benoit, for no other reason than that he is Chris Benoit.
Michaels being the biggest target because Vince asked for it worked pretty well. I was also glad to see RVD's comeback. Benoit had some of my favourite moments in the match. I also had a great time cheering him on and hoping he'd get his second Rumble victory, as unlikely as I knew it was. Still, even the year he did win, when most everyone knew that was the plan, I didn't fully believe until it really happened, so that was enough for me to keep some hope up and cheer like mad for the dude.
THE BAD: Big Show, Kane and Lashley all being in the rumble at the same time. These are the clear-out-the-deadwood guys, and you send them all in at once? And have HHH eliminate two of them? Not a smart move, and it really showed in the clusterf**k that wound up being the 2006 Royal Rumble.
I actually don't mind when the ring fills up a little during the Rumble, but I'd have to agree that they went overboard this year. Big Show was used so well in the Rumble bout of 2 years ago. That was just an awesome way to showcase the giant, not this crap. This year having all the powerhouses in together lessened their impact significantly. Plus, they were made to look weak for no apparent good reason.
THE UGLY: Mysterio winning the rumble for all the wrong reasons. There was no masked angel Eddie throwing guys out but there certainly was a blatant necrophilic marketing ploy causing guys to fall out of the ring left, right and centre. And no Paul London elimination bump. Don't get me wrong, I like Rey Mysterio, but he should be in the WM22 Main Event on his merits, not on the fact that Eddie Guerrero is the most-over face in wrestling right now despite the obvious handicap of being deceased. Oh, and Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler being chosen as the commentary team. Hands for who wanted to see Syles/Tazz?
I am a Rey Mysterio fan as well, but I didn't want to see him win. I didn't like the reasons for his victory at all, but I also just flat out didn't feel like he was the right choice to win a match of this type. Also, as a "survivor" guy being there from the beginning he was the least impressive person in that role I've seen. Flair, HBK and Benoit all carried the match when they did the same thing, Mysterio was often just kind of there in the background. Hell, Triple H was far more involved in the action and looked vastly more impressive as the number 2 entrant.
HHH WANTS TO BE HEEL AT WM22 TITLE MATCH: Cena vs WWE Champion Edge
The whole booking for his match is because Triple Aitch wants to be heel against a face Cena at Wrestlemania 22. HHH should realise that regardless of how it's booked, the Chicago fans will be chanting "F*** Cena" by the 2nd minute of their match.
I almost feel like I need to defend Cena just because so many folks on the 'net hang shit on the dude. Also, it just seems to be my nature that I feel compelled to go against the grain. Here's something about Cena I do like: Many of the young kids and teenage fans seem to still love him and that's an important audience to appeal to. For wrestling to stay strong we need to keep having new fans join in on the fun. So anything that helps attract the interest of new fans for the future of the business is something I'll be somewhat for.
Everyone seems to harp on the fact that Cena is a mediocre worker, which is totally true. But if you look at the history of the WWE's top guys over the years, plenty of them have been pretty limited in the ring. Yokozuna, Sid, Diesel, Hogan, Billy Graham, The Rock, Andre, Ultimate Warriror and many other names I could mention. There are a huge number of guys to be in main event spots who were far from being marvels of technical wrestling and several of them are still fondly remembered by many fans.
I think the biggest problem right now though with Cena is that they are pushing him on us far too heavily. They should just let him be an obnoxious hip-hop loving smart arse that some cheer (especially the youngsters) and most boo, that could make for an interesting spectacle. By just trying to force people to like him, it makes Cena look like a suck up and a dipshit. Fans are only going to resent him all the more in the long run because of it. I didn't mean to ramble on so long there, sorry about that!
THE GOOD: Cena's entrance. The writing was on the wall so I didn't have to watch it, hence I don't actually know if there were any good bits to the match or not.
The entrance was pretty cool looking, but to me it still came off as another way of saying "See? We desperately want everyone to cheer for this guy. PLEASE like him"
THE BAD: It took them how long to give Cena the STF as a finisher and call it the STFU? I highly doubt I'm the only one who realised how damn obvious that was when Cena was in his first US title reign. It's a poor STF anyway, and is probably more of a Step-Over Toe-Hold Dumbshit-its-facelock-not-choke. Hey, STD. That'd be tasteful.
Maybe he should call it that, at least it would have an edge (no pun intended) to it that way. He was more entertaining when he set out to offend everyone.
THE UGLY: Cena is champ again. *shudder*.
After all that stuff I said about Cena, the fact is I do not want to see him as the champ either. In fact, I don't much care for either Edge or Cena as a main eventer, so this match did nothing for me. Edge can be an entertaining character at times, but his wrestling style often bores me. Cena is meant to a tough guy brawler type, which is fine, but because his offence usually looks pretty weak, that never really clicks. Gimmick compared him to the Rock and I think that makes some sense, but to me Cena's wrestling style often seems like a pale imitation of the brawling stuff Austin did so well as "Stone Cold".
If this was some master plan by Triple H to make me actually look forward to seeing him back in the main event...well, he must truly be the cerebral assassin; because that's the point I'm now at!
THE LAST RUN HOME TITLE MATCH: Mark Henry vs WHC Kurt Angle
Henry's contract expires soon. This must be his token Main Event run, his reward for 10 years loyal service to the company. Yeah, because he was such a sought after commodity that his loyalty was valued. Oh well, hopefully Marky gets a fat pay check, he's got a young hand to feed.
When Henry was first signed up to the WWE, they gave him a crazy long term contract for a massive amount of money. So I guess they figured to attempt one last time to get something out of all the bucks they wasted on this useless bastard. Initially they were convinced Henry was a sure thing to be a huge star, which just shows how wrong they can sometimes be! There's a funny story, I think it is in one of Foley's books, about how they had all this Mark Henry merchandise planned because they were so sure the audience was going to be nuts about the guy. Steve Austin asked if they had any stuff like that planned for him and was told that they didn't see there being much of a market for Austin merchandise.
THE GOOD: Kurt Angle was in the match. Kurt Angle won the match. Kurt Angle hit Henry with a chair, repeatedly. I hope it hurt. Did I mention Kurt Angle?
While this match was in no way worthy of being the main bout on a show this big, it was actually a bit less crappy than I thought it would be. Mainly thanks to Kurt Angle.
THE BAD: Let me get this straight. Henry was out for a over a year because Benoit broke his arm with the crossface, but he's strong enough to power out of the ankle-lock? And why didn't Angle put on the grapevine? I would've liked to see Henry try kick him off then.
I agree with everything DBL said there.
_screen3.jpg) | | Its fun to stay at the YMCA |
THE UGLY: Oh no, Taker's back. Why does he deserve a title shot? Because he's the Undertaker? No. Because The order of importance goes like this in the WWE: McMahon, Levesque, Callaway. I hope Angle beats his ass. At least I buy Angle not being afraid of the Undertaker. Orton however, should be thankful he's wearing black trunks.
Well, the Undertaker is a huge step up from Mark Henry at least! I thought his magic powers looked sillier than usual, which really takes some doing. Like I always say; he could save a lot of time if he just shot his opponent with one of those lightning bolts during a match. Kurt has had some good bouts with the 'Taker though, so this should be watchable enough.
I give the show 6 and a half thumbs up. I'd give it seven, but I bit it off after Cena won the title back . You know. Aversion therapy.
I'd probably go with a seven, just for the actual Rumble match itself. This year's was not as good as the last couple, but they nearly always manage to entertain me fairly well. They did start some stuff in rather interesting ways to build to Wrestlemania too, as the mighty Gimmick pointed out.
by: Darth Bin Laden
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